The Nurse has noticed an interesting political phenomenon. Since the UK General Election she’s heard interviews with ex-MPs.  And they’ve all had major personality transplants. What’s going on? 

As MPs these people never answered a straight question. They prevaricated, delayed, obfuscated, avoided responsibility and played the blame game. Some even had body language coaching, which just made them look… well, weird. 

Outside politics, as ordinary humans being interviewed about their old job, they were funny, intelligent, entertaining and perceptive. The Nurse supposes it’s because they’re not under spin doctors’ influence any more, or obliged to toe the party line. And they don’t have to check every sentence they utter for gaffes. 

So are MPs being forced to sacrifice their best human traits on the altar of politics? And who’s responsible? Is it hereditary – have our politicians always been so slippery? Or is it a new phenomenon born of spin? Whatever the reason, The Nurse proposes a better way.

How about having human politicians? People who speak their minds honestly, with personalities and human failings. They’d confess their mistakes, admit it when they’d fucked up and apologise as though they meant it. They’d give straight answers to straight questions. 

Presumably spin doctors, PR people and the like are employed to improve the image of politicians and their parties. If so they’re doing a shit job.

The Nurse was half amused and half horrified by the happy, carefree, open interviews ex-MPs gave. Amused because the poor buggers were so obviously delighted to be out of the spotlight. Horrified because surely no job should twist essentially good people into the peculiar shapes our politicians end up in. 

The Nurse despises foxhunting.

While she is deeply suspicious of banning things - censorship being the thin edge of a very nasty wedge - cruelty is never acceptable.

So she was interested to see, during a recent edition of the BBC’s Country File, a hunt spokesman confirm that if the Conservative Party won the next election they’d seek to reverse the foxhunting ban. 

Outraged, The Nurse emailed her local Conservative council member. Here’s what she wrote:

“Recently on Radio 4, a politician from each party joined a programme where they were asked to give straight ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers to questions, with no dissembling. I found this tremendously refreshing because politicians never answer straight questions. They go straight into spin mode, which is the single biggest reason why I am so reluctant to trust them. 

I would like you to answer a question ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on behalf of the Conservative party.

On TV’s Country File programme a fox hunter made it clear that the Conservatives would re-instate foxhunting, repealing the current law, if they were elected.  My question is: If the conservatives win the next election, will they bring back foxhunting? Please answer yes or no. 

It’s that simple. I look forward to your answer with great interest.”

The Nurse emailed her local Conservative council member on 18th November. But so far she hasn’t even had the courtesy of an acknowledgement. Never mind a response. Which doesn’t exactly fill her with confidence about the toffee nosed, poncey bastards.

Her next step? The Nurse will be writing to someone higher up the Conservative food chain and see if they’ll deign to answer. 

The more pressure the better. The Nurse is appealing for like-minded folk to ask the same question of their local Conservative Party candidate or council member. Let’s pin the wriggly buggers down and get a straight answer out of them. 

UPDATE 30 Nov: The Nurse has received a ‘no’ from both Conservatives and has filed their replies in case she needs them later!

The Nurse has been observing UK party politicians up to their usual tricks in the Houses of Parliament this week. Name calling, accusation and counter-accusation, boos and roars of derision. All highly unappealing. 

In times of crisis, with the economy going to shit around their ears, they’re fiddling – and wasting an enormous amount of time and intellectual effort – while Rome burns. 

The Nurse would much prefer to see party politicians co-operating to help make things better.  Isn’t that the sensible way out of this mess? And isn’t pooling resources a better route to combating even worse crises - like global warming – than squabbling?

As it is she finds herself sorely tempted to tunnel her way out of clink, head for the big smoke, storm Parliament and bang their silly heads together. Or worse.

The Nurse, brooding in Solitary after an unfortunate lapse in discipline, is immeasurably cheered by the headline, ‘Brighton-based World Leaders  release fifth short political animation’

The Nurse likes her humour grounded in intelligence. From that basis, wild flights of fancy go down well. Political incorrectness and irreverence are a must. Swearing’s always funny when used unexpectedly, by unexpected people in unexpected circumstances. Bizarre’s great. Clever word play is a joy. Seeing beyond the obvious wins prizes. Think Spitting Image, The Green Wing, Little Britain. Three Non-Blondes, Newman and Baddiel, Borat and The League of Gentlemen. 

Now The Nurse has a new favourite to add to the list.

She’s watched World Leaders’ animations over and over via her Blackberry (cunningly hidden from the screws in a place only she can bear to go without industrial-strength gloves and hazmat mask. You don’t want to know. Really.)  So often that, in the darkness of her humid cell, she can lie still on her narrow bed and replay them inside her eyelids. If you saw her, lying in the stagnant gloom, you’d think she was dead. Only her eyelids are flickering. And the yellow glint of her teeth as she mumbles the script to herself. Ever seen Silence of The Lambs? Then you get the picture.

But what’s World Leaders all about?

The Nurse wants to be left alone to absorb episode five of this wickedly funny series. So she’s leaving you to read the rest of the press release. Bye now…

The World Leaders team’s series of brilliantly irreverent animated films eavesdrops on the lives of our esteemed world leaders as they live together, uneasily, in shared accommodation. Think ‘Big Brother’ and wince!

The latest painfully funny release, Sarkozy: ‘Maybe let me see your knickers’, stars George Bush, Gordon Brown, Tony Blair, Angela Merkel, Nicolas Sarkozy, Vladimir Putin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The most recent in a series of six specially commissioned films, ‘Maybe let me see your knickers’ is hosted by commissioning sponsors The First Post, the well respected UK independent daily online news magazine.

Scripted by multi award winning UK comedy writer Kim Fuller (contributor to the classic Spitting Image series), the brilliant animated characters have been meticulously created and developed by a dedicated bunch of animators based in India. To uncanny effect.

In episode one, Bush: ‘What do you mean, negotiate?’, the Muslim calendar brings Bush and Ahmadinejad to blows over the housework rota.

In episode two, Putin: ‘I will not sing imperialist shit’, insults fly between the housemates as opposing ideologies clash.

Episode three, Merkl: ‘testicles’, drops in on a cosy game of charades.

In Episode four, Ahmadhinejad: ‘Most shit story’, Bush dons a red riding hood wig, complete with red ribbons, to entertain his mates with ‘traditional’ folk tales.

And the latest release, episode five, ‘Maybe let me see your knickers’, features a visit from Blair; excluded and ignored, a sad and lonely outsider.         

In 2007, World Leaders’ films featured at the prestigious MIPCOM awards in Cannes. “We were nominated for the Best Comedy, Mobile and Internet TV Award” explains team member Jeff Tawney. “We didn’t win but it was brilliant to get to the finals. And we were ecstatic to hear the audience giving our work the biggest laughs of the ceremony”

But what do other people say? “

* “These videos are great and the animations are awesome – keep posting more!”

* “Thanks again for the belly laughs!”

* “Refreshingly politically incorrect and beautifully observed. Kim Fuller’s scripting is faultless. And the animators have pushed out the boat to create a suite of achingly funny characters”

* “Loved the world leaders sketches, f***ing hilarious!”

You can catch all five episodes by following the link from http://www.world-leaders.com or via http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/worldleaders

I was prompted to carry out a small, unscientific survey of my students in class this afternoon. Of the 12 students who actually turned up today only 5 were actually brought up in the U.K. I asked them all if they had grown up with adequate outdoor play facilities and what they thought were the causes of todays obesity problems. Their responses were as follows:

• All of them stated that they had seen council run parks and play areas become run down and underused
• They all indicated that they would love make use of facilities if they were readily accessible
• They pretty much agreed that urban planning did make a significant difference to the amount of exercise and outdoor play that they experienced as children
• There was agreement that other technological and social factors are also contributing towards the currently expanding waist lines of our younger generation.

When asked ‘What would have encouraged you to play outdoors more’ they all said that safe, available space was the biggest and most significant factor. Several had grown up in flats with no gardens to themselves. They were reliant upon communal outdoor space and if their parents (or single parent) were anxious about them ‘playing out’ they would be kept indoors.

Providing an environment in which young people can grow, learn, interact and develop lifelong healthy habits is a responsibility that the older, decision-making, urban planning generation need to take very seriously.

How is it possible to get it so wrong? People who work in this country are required to have a national insurance number. When they take up work they are required to be registered for tax. When people enter or leave the country they are required to show their passports. All of this information is recorded in various databases, so the government shouldn’t need to estimate anything. They should know exactly how many people have entered the country, who they are and what they are doing to support themselves.

This situation led me to speculate upon what it would be like if large organisations, like the University where I work, were to apply estimating techniques instead of precise, unequivocal measures.

Estimates are routinely employed when planning and forecasting. There is no way of telling how many students are going to sign up for the new basket-weaving MSc course that may start next year so some informed estimates may be required. But that is forecasting, where data doesn’t currently exist.

Applying the same, loose and inaccurate estimating techniques in a large organisation like a university would lead to chaos. If we did not have accurate measures of the number of registered students, who they are, what they are doing etc. there would be no way for the university to determine the provisions required.

The same applies to the country as a whole. What’s more, the fact that the government have got it so wildly wrong makes all of the figures and statistics quoted by the government suspect.

Confidence in the statements released and the figures quoted by this government will have been severely and adversely affected by this report.