Category: Cats

Reasons to be cheerful… one, two, three

July 2, 2010 | By | Add a Comment

It’s a lovely summer’s day. The Nurse can smell the scent of flowers drifting through her tiny, barred cell window. And the skylarks are belting out their tumbling, trilling arias on the moors outside. In a rare mellow mood, The Nurse is feeling uncannily cheerful.

Here’s her top three reasons for digging out her dusty smile and pinning it to her face.

First, the UK Government’s new website They’re asking for the public’s ideas about restoring civil liberty, repealing unneccessary laws and cutting business regulation. The Nurse enjoyed mouthing off about legalising recreational drugs and removing innocent people’s DNA from the police database. It felt good to be allowed her say despite – she admits it – being such a horrible human being, banged up and all.    

Second, Simon’s Cat. Simon’s Cat does The Nurse’s rotten soul good. She doesn’t often laugh. Partly because life isn’t fucking funny and partly because it scares people. But as a cat lover The Nurse laughed so hard at Simon’s Cat animations that a little bit of wee came out. 

Back in the days when she roamed free, she had cats. One of her cats used to store little heaps of worms under the rug, in various stages of mummification, presumably for a rainy day. Funny little beast. But The Nurse digresses… click through to Simon’s Cat for a collection of brilliantly observed animations.  

Third, because she’s behaved so impeccably of late The Nurse is out of solitary. Back in the thick of things, amongst her fellow prisoners. And she’s managed to acquire the makings of a mighty fine shiv. A stainless steel ballpoint pen to most people, it represents an exciting opportunity for The Nurse. The time’s ripe for some more experimental amateur brain surgery. The siren call of trepanning is making her head hurt. And the voices are getting louder every day. The Nurse is grinning in anticipation. Happy, happy, happy.   

Cute kittens watch Garfield on TV

January 13, 2009 | By | 30 Comments

The Nurse provides an antidote to the Chief Surgeon’s uber-gloomy post

Regular readers will know that The Nurse isn’t known for her cheery attitude. Which is fair enough. You’d be hard pressed to be cheery yourself if you were banged up in this shithole. Her Majesty’s Pleasure, my arse. Suffice it to say that today The Nurse is cold, damp and very, very bored.

But the Chief Surgeon’s last post takes the biscuit. Even at her lowest, The Nurse is seldom that gloomy.

Eager to make amends, The Nurse gets her photo’ collection up on screen (this tiny little Dell laptop is marvellously easy to hide from the Screws) and chooses her favourite.

Sometimes it is easier to express big emotions and concepts in pictures rather than words, even though The Nurse fancies herself as fairly fluid of pen. This is one of those times.

The Nurse has a scattering of loyal friends who are still – amazingly – loose in the outside world, one of whom owns these two delightful little orange beasts. The charmingly feisty Ms Edwards’ cats are avid telly fans, and they’re particularly fond of Garfield. 

Don’t trouble yourselves about the ailing economy and failing environment. Give yourself a break and concentrate on these kittens instead. They’ll make you feel much better.

Have you smiled yet? Jolly good. Job done.

XX The Nurse

Stray Cat Tales: Betty the Garden Cat

May 26, 2008 | By | 6 Comments

Betty the stray garden cat - getting back to full fitnessSome months ago now, back when it was still cold, wet and wintery, we started to see a timid black and white cat, wearing a red collar, hanging around in our garden. We’d occasionally see her through the cat-flap, but she would bolt as soon as we tried to approach. She now trusts us enough to come into our house for food and allows us to groom her matted coat.

Since she has a collar we assumed that she wasn’t a stray, just a typical cat looking for a free meal. As the weather has steadily improved we’ve been spending more time in the garden managing to build up some trust with this lovely little cat who we had simply named ‘garden cat’. It quickly became clear that she was not being fed at all. Her boney back, hollow sides and clearly discernible ribs were enough evidence for us to conclude that nobody was feeding this poor creature, who had been spending the coldest months of winter living outdoors.

For the past couple of weeks she has been getting through a complete can of cat food every day, along with a little dried food for variety. She will now come into our house but has not yet established a pecking order with our two overfed house cats who are a little put out by the interloper. She has a delightful nature, very friendly and affectionate which suggests she has once lived in a home where she was well looked after. We are planning to continue to feed and gently groom her coat until she trusts us enough to take her to the vets to find out if she has been micro-chipped. Her new name is ‘Betty’, chosen after we’d seen a street performer by the name of Betty Brawn performing in this year’s Brighton festival.

The number of unwanted pets in the UK has seen a significant increase in recent years. People get pets of all descriptions without really thinking about the responsibilities and costs of looking after them. Unfortunately many will end up thoughtlessly dumped without any regard for the animal’s well being. Cats are top of the unwanted pets league table with over 3000 rescued by the RSPCA last year. The new animal welfare act makes pet owners legally obliged to care for their pets properly, perhaps this will help to hammer home the message that pet ownership is a privilege and a responsibility.