Every other house appears to be used as a so-called drugs factory, operated by Asians and staffed by one poor care-taker gardener, forced to sleep in the kitchen and tend the house full of cannabis plants. The gangs running these drugs factories are also alleged to be responsible for smuggling people across the channel, squeezed into containers or crammed aboard fishing boats coming into Newhaven after dark. Some of these poor people will find themselves exploited mercilessly, forced to work in sweatshops in return for a corner to sleep in, or worse.

Prostitution is just one way in which many of these unfortunate people are exploited. Rather than using houses as brothels many of these criminal gangs have started using top of the range commercial vans, often acquired on van leasing contracts to save on initial outlay. They will then take these shiny new vans along to car parks where they find plenty of customers. They can quickly evade capture by the police and move on to another pub car park or industrial estate where there is never any shortage of men, happy to pay for sex with these poor captives.

Society is steadily in decline. Crime is really on the increase and, as usual, it is the weak and vulnerable who find themselves subjugated and exploited.

So, a lifelong atheist, The Nurse has followed the US’s acrimonious intelligent design / creationism vs. evolution / Darwinism debate with mounting alarm. Those who control US educators are engaged in a fierce battle about whether or not intelligent design should be taught in schools as a viable alternative to evolution. And in some states, the god squad’s winning. At the same time, science funding in the US is being cut willy-nilly.

Baffled and infuriated by the endless, tedious twists and turns the debate is taking, The Nurse was delighted to discover a beautifully simple expression of the entire argument. A few sentences that encapsulate the fundamental and unarguable truth. 

Heartfelt thanks and admiration, therefore, go to Ken Ligar of Chester, Connecticut, for writing this letter to New Scientist (issue 2660, 14th June 2008):

“While I am not a believer in the theory of intelligent design, I see no reason why it cannot be taught in schools alongside the theory of evolution - as long as it is kept neutral to any specific religion. The entire lesson can be summed up quite easily and will not burden the students with difficult concepts or homework. Here is a sample lesson text that can be used by any teacher: ‘The theory of intelligent design states that an omnipotent being created the universe and that everything in it for reasons that we cannot, and are not meant to, comprehend. There is no quantifiable evidence to support this theory, there are no hypotheses that can be proven or disproven using this theory, and it offers no predictive ability for any past, present or future events. OK, now let’s move on to the theory of evolution.”

Now, that’s not to say that The Nurse has no soul. In fact she enjoys a lively and fulfilling spiritual life. The Nurse has invented her own religion, where deities are irrelevant. And, despite being imprisoned in this hell-hole with all these effing nutters for so many years, she isn’t a bad person. Just ‘troubled’. 

Come on folks… be sensible. Teach religion if you must. But PLEASE don’t teach it as an alternative to evolution! That’s just mad.

“I wear this expression when I’m not sure whether to be excited or scared…” 

We’re being fed news through a screen of total hysterica

The Nurse is well acquainted with rose-tinted glasses. She needs to be, locked up in here with water dripping down the walls and all those nutters groaning and banging in nearby cells. But she’s getting riled up about the hysteria-tinted glasses that the news is filtered through.

The Nurse has access to an array of media, even locked in this shithole. A wind-up radio and laptop secreted about her person (don’t even ask)  keep her abreast of current affairs. But if she believed everything she read and heard, she’d think the world was coming to an end. The media tell us that recession’s looming, that we’re on the very cusp of economic disaster, that the world’s about to end.    

The Nurse also has numerous outside contacts and a lively social e-life. One of her customers sent her a survey the other day that said that more than 65% of businesses felt optimistic about the future and were not suffering unduly from a slow-down. Her contacts are flourishing, expanding, taking on staff and planning for a successful future. Everyone seems pretty cheery. 

So who’s right? Are we - as the media insist - at the mercy of the four hoursemen of the apocalypse, doomed to recession, poverty and repossession? Or are we actually managing very nicely, if a bit baffled by all the hysteria?

The problem is that we only have one way to get the news… via the media. To a certain extent the internet allows the people to make the news, but there’s so much noise that it’s difficult to discern the true pattern of things, unbiased and un-spun. 

The Nurse amuses herself by reflecting that the media probably don’t broadcast and write the truth because the truth is often pretty dull. CANNABIS PSYCHO NUTTER RISK’ is sooo much more exciting than ’EXPERTS SAY THERE IS NO EVIDENCE OF INCREASED PSYCHOLOGICAL ILLNESS DUE TO CANNABIS. IN FACT MENTAL ILLNESS STATISTICS ARE UNCHANGED AND MOST PEOPLE JUST GET REALLY, REALLY STONED.’

And ’CREDIT CRUNCH A BIT OF A NUISANCE BUT MOST PEOPLE AND BUSINESSES ARE BASICALLY OKAY AND HAVING A NICE TIME’ probably won’t sell as many papers as ‘RECESSION BITES… HOLD ON TO YOUR KNACKERS’.            

It’s a mad world.

White wine glasses tend to have smaller bowls than red wine glasses. This is because white wine tends to be served chilled, whereas red is best served closer to room temperature. The smaller size of the white wine glass bowl will reduce the heating effect that the drinkers hand has upon the wine, helping it to stay cooler for longer.

Red wine glasses have characteristically wider bowls intended to encourage the wine to breath. Bordeaux glasses tend to be tall with a wide bowl that is excellent for full bodied wines like Merlot or Cabernet. Burgundy glasses will have a larger bowl. This doesn’t mean that they are intended to hold more wine (although they are particularly good for this). The larger bowl is intended to hold the aromas that are released by the wine into the glass. A large part of the taste and enjoyment of wine is actually experienced by olfaction. In other words, the smell gets up your nose.

So now you know a little about why there are glasses which are specifically intended for white wines and glasses which are specifically designed and suited for reds. Time to crack open a bottle or three and put the theory to the test…

TV in prison isn’t always a benefit.

More things that make The Nurse very, very cross. And that’s not a nice thing to see.     

1. Ireland versus Zimbabwe. Is The Nurse the only one to see an astonishing parallel between Mugabe ignoring the civil and human rights of his countrymen and European bosses ignoring Ireland’s clear refusal of the EU Treaty? The Nurse is nigh on speechless at the irony. And at the sheer cheek of it.

2. What’s going on with the media and science?  The Nurse likes to read New Scientist. Sod womens’ magazines. She wonders why some of the amazingly good news reported in New Scientist never reaches the TV or mainstream media. All they report is doom, gloom, contradictory stories, scare mongering and junk science.

3.  Women, know your place. The Nurse is grinning while typing this… golly, she’s going to make some blood boil! She argues that women who want everything are asking for trouble. It is clearly almost impossible to cope with a job, a bloke, a house and kids. So just accept that you can have kids or a job. Not both. And if you insist on making such a rod for your back, stop moaning that you can’t cope.

4. Tracy Emmin, kindly fuck off! Back in the olden days The Nurse went to Brighton College of Art and Design, and left proudly clutching one BA Hons degree. So the antics of Ms Emmin just piss her off. Enormously. On one hand you have Picasso, who could draw like an angel. A technical genius who learned his craft painstakingly before abstracting his way into totally new territory with courage, vision and wisdom. And on the other hand you have Tracy Emmin.  Enough said. Words fail The Nurse. Although the advice ‘fuck off and grow up’ comes to mind.

5. What is art? The Nurse would like to propose a new sub-category called ’Experiential’ art. Damien Hurst, Tracy Emmin and the rest of the shock merchants would neatly fall into this new category, preserving the term ‘art’ for sculptors, painters, photographers etcetera

Shite. The Nurse’s biro has run out and try as she might, it’d take a better man than her to make a mark on Izal loo paper with a pencil.  Stuff the news, anyway. She lies on her bunk and thinks about the old days instead.  Meeting Lecter in Bogata. Lunch with Gilmore and sharing cake with the charming Mr Dahmer.  While she doesn’t really miss being outside, freedom had its compensations…      

The incident occurred on the busy Lewes road. I was approaching one of the many sets of traffic lights on this road when they changed from green to Amber. I duly slowed down and stopped at the stop line which prompted the driver of a Renault Master Van to lean on his horn and gesticulate angrily at me. He appeared to be annoyed that I was abiding by the Highway Code, stopping when the light was Amber.

In recent years I’ve observed an increase in the number of drivers who will happily drive across a junction when the lights indicate that they should stop. I’ve even seen a number of incidents where drivers have even crossed a junction when the traffic lights were red.

There is a useful guide to traffic lights in the UK on the BBC website. This makes it very clear that, when the traffic lights are amber, drivers should stop unless it is unsafe to do so. It is an offence to pass through an amber light in the UK.

As roads continue to become increasingly congested it is more important than ever that road users stick to the rules, don’t race for the lights and stop when the lights tell them to.

This week’s list covers a slew of issues that appear, to one incarcerated for so long, frankly crazed.  When The Nurse was last at liberty, smelling the sky and letting the sun fall on her scarred cheeks, the world was a simpler and more logical place. But then again she has been mouldering here for a very, very long time. 

Things that make The Nurse’s blood boil 

1. Why isn’t Iraq allowed to have nuclear weapons when America, the UK and most of the developed world have them, with no intention of ditching them? The logic doesn’t bear examination, even under the simplest of school yard rules.

2. Why is everyone getting so het up about the housing ‘market’? When The Nurse was young and free there wasn’t a housing ‘market’. A house was a home, not an investment. You decorated and extended it to your taste and needs, not to please prospective buyers. You bought a house to live and love in, not to make a fast buck.

3. Why’s everyone wittering on about how terrible children are these days? When The Nurse was young she knew boys who blew up empty buildings with home made explosives (sugar and fertiliser), broke into the local post office, fired dirty great rocket fireworks at passing buses, threw darts at each oter, wielded deadly home made catapults and smashed every pane in their neighbours’ greenhouses. That was back in the 60s and 70s. The difference in 2008? The Nurse thinks it might be a matter of understanding common sense barriers: in the noughties the kids are carrying knives. And nobody has told them not to stamp on people’s heads. Perhaps that’s one of the things a kid needs a dad for? Think on, all you wilfully single mums.

4. Why does the Government seek (and pay a massive amount of our tax money for) expert advice then ignore it? The Nurse feels Brown et al are displaying the most crass, foul and disgraceful arrogance by believing they know best. Cannabis, for instance. The facts state that there has been absolutely NO discernable increase in psychotic episodes and illnesses as a result of cannabis or anything else. Or so the experts say. But what do the experts know, eh Gordon?

5.  Why are people getting so pissed? The whole country’s rat arsed. The Nurse occasionally finds slightly tiddly, happy people fun to be with. But drunk people are boring, stupid, ugly, alarming, repetitive and maudlin. Big difference. No contest.  

6. Why is everyone hell bent on saving ‘the planet’ when the planet will be absolutely fine, whatever we do or don’t do? It is actually our own miserable, greedy, polluting skins we’re trying to save. Without us, our beautiful blue planet will remain beautiful and blue, spinning serenely through eternity. With us, it is turning into a shithole pretty fast. It would be honourable to acknowledge this rather than pretending to be altruistic… something The Nurse finds particularly nauseating 

7. Why has it taken so long for people to start taking notice of the potential for worldwide fuel crises? The Nurse remembers being taught, back in the early 1970s, that we’d run out of oil by about 2020.  We’ve known about this shit for a long time. But have we done anything? Have we ****!  

8. Why is everyone ignoring the fact that human survival is doubtful as long as our population keeps growing? The Nurse imagines any discussion would be horribly non PC. But there’s a really nasty dichotomy between working to save human lives and the sheer unsustainable numbers of us. Perhaps it is too scary to think about. 

9. Why can people buy cars that are capable of going way over the speed limit? What’s the point? It’s common sense that if a car lets a person drive fast, a percentage of people will drive like buffoons. Why not stop the problem altogether by making cars that go a maximum of 80mph. That leaves drivers an extra 10mph emergency speed if they’re travelling at 70mph, the legal maximum. Why does anyone need more speed? Another huge failure of logic.

10. Why don’t kids play out any more? The Nurse enjoyed years of total freedom as a child, leaving home at dawn and home at dusk for tea, filthy with adventures. Self confident and brave with skinned knees. Chased by skin heads, falling off walls and tying little brothers to lamp posts. Ranging far and wide. The Nurse thinks she knows why… it’s mostly because of cars. Oh dear, what an appalling petard we’ve hoist ourselves upon. Rather than giving us freedom, the car is responsible for the loss of many precious personal libereties. Basic stuff like the freedom to walk and breathe safely. Sometimes the freedom to walk at all. Try crossing the Warren roundabout in Worthing on foot. You’ll be lucky to survive.   

The Nurse is all ranted out and she has decided to stop for a cup of tea and a spliff. More another day. Fellow ranters always welcome…

Celebrities and those in the public eye have a responsibility which few appear to acknowledge. Their behaviour, the way they dress, the way they conduct themselves when out on the town, the cars they drive and the places they go on holiday are all seen by fans and followers as goals worth pursuing. It’s therefore not surprising that so many young people routinely use illegal substances, drink too much, are pre-occupied with their appearances and care so little for the environment.

I’m reminded that celebrities are people too. Susceptible to the temptations, the anxieties and mental strain that everyone has to bear. For many the fact that they are in the public eye so much is enough to provoke bad behaviour. But I think that it is high time that celebrities woke up to their responsibilities. If they want to be applauded and receive acclaim for their work (whatever that might be) they must take responsibility for the role model that they provide.

Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, Christina Aguilera and many, many others are all guilty of setting bad examples at one time or another. When will these people wake up to the fact that whatever they do will be copied by countless hundreds, thousands, even millions of people.

One such example that I’ve been made aware of recently is Simon Cowell, famous for his forthright evaluations on Pop Idol and various talent shows. He drives both a Bugatti Veyron and a Ferrari F430 which together have an average CO2 output of about 457g/km. What would the world be like if everyone selfishly chose such heavily polluting vehicles? Today there are an enormous selection of cars that have far better green credentials like the Lexus GS450h hybrid.

And what about that entertaining idiot Jeremy Clarkson? After his having claimed to have driven at 186mph on public roads how many thrill seeking young people have gone out, late at night, to see if they can beat his record?

While most people are sensible enough not to be overly influenced by such stories there are plenty who will hear these tales and see them as a green light. They’ll believe that it is perfectly OK to drive an environment killing car at break neck speeds on public roads because some thoughtless, selfish, ego-centric celebrity has bragged about doing it.

Mrs Saldinack’s sons, Luke Newman and Oliver Clark, along with a third man, Benjamin Hammond, set upon Mr Parkinson and a friend in a completely unprovoked attack. All too common these days. They kicked and punched Mr Parkinson causing serious injury including blinding him in his right eye.

After hearing her two sons bragging about the attack Mrs Saldinack responsibly called the police. Her family and her son’s girlfriends have now broken off all communications with her and are alleged to have threatened her for what she did. Yet she was in the right and the two idiot sons were clearly in the wrong. What sort of family are these people?

Mrs Saldinack is undoubtedly a very brave and courageous lady, unlike her thuggish offspring who are now serving two years each for these offences.

But will two years behind bars for these mindless, violent criminals give Mr Parkinson his sight back? Of course not. Two years in prison for this violent act that has resulted in a law abiding citizen losing his sight, his business and his health is nowhere near enough. And if it wasn’t for Mrs Saldinack’s bravery they would still be walking the streets, bragging about their exploits and potentially committing further acts of gross violence.

If you know of someone who has bragged of having committed a violent crime we encourage you to call the police. Not doing so could result in someone else getting hurt, or worse.

People are asking whether the contest is really about the songs or are people voting for reasons other than the quality of the compositions? Eastern European countries appear to take the competition immensely seriously but then they go and vote based upon apparent cultural links or familiarity with the performer, not on the quality of the songs, which appeared to mainly consist of teutonic marching music or cringe-worthy ballads.

Viewed as a whole, the 2008 European Song Contest, hosted in Belgrade Arena, was a fantastic TV spectacle but the music was, for the most part, absolutely chronic. There were several alleged ‘joke’ entries, like the Bosnian-Herzegovinan involving a washing line and people knitting, which were simply not funny. Or did I miss something.

Terry Wogan accurately summed it up when he said that this is no longer a music contest. Perhaps 2009 will be the year in which the traditional Eurovision countries follow Austria and pull out of the contest altogether, please.