Home surgery tips from The Nurse
Believe home surgery’s out of your financial reach? Think again, says The Nurse
Today’s brain surgery relies on an impressive range of tiny, weeny instruments, finely-controlled tools and high tech medical innovations. But in the early days - to me the good old days - impecunious founder Members had only their ingenuity and imagination to rely upon when transforming a gardener’s shed into a state of the art operating theatre.
Isn’t it nice to know that you can still do a creditable job today (and save yourself a small fortune) with a little imagination. For a start, take a look around your property. Do you have a shed, broom cupboard or box room? A greenhouse? Perhaps someone could donate space or allow you to use their shed for a nominal rent. Ours was kindly donated by patron Colonel Zim Smythe-Napster in 1932, who sadly died shortly afterwards in an appalling tumourfishing incident. (Heady days: while we had much to learn, we faced the challenges with the fearlessness of youth)
Equipping your operating theatre requires commitment and attention to detail. Scrub that wooden table. Not just once but twice! Use clean sheets and keep the windows open to let in plenty of fresh air. Ordinary household knives, forks and spoons make perfect instruments for digging, scooping and poking. An egg cup makes a clever receptacle for those bits and pieces you really don’t want to lose track of!
As you become more advanced, your equipment must reflect the procedures’ increasing complexity. The endearingly-termed technique ’tumourfishing’ has yet to be perfected, but eighty years of research can’t be allowed to go to waste. Your ordinary rod and tackle makes for an efficient (although rather fiddly) exploratory instrument particularly when approaching the skull from above by means of a reconditioned, wall-mounted Stannah stair lift. Sturdy, practical and all that recycling must be good for the environment!
Today’s tip: in fairness to your immediate neighbours and save your volunteers unnecessary embarassment, borrow a chainsaw to help drown out any stray screams.
Love ‘n’ stuff from The Nurse (c/o HMP Rampton)
