Amateur Brain Surgery

If false teeth were hot stuff The Nurse would have her gnashers whipped out without a second thought.   

As the UK’s population ages, will false teeth ever become stylish?

The Nurse, brought up in the ’60s and ’70s, has crap teeth. Her 1970s childhood dentist was spectacularly bad as well as really scary. So when she left home she daren’t go to the dentist for a decade. Her teeth don’t do the job any more. And they’re no oil painting. 

Bored one long dark winter, she filed her front teeth to sharp points. Cute. But painful in a draught. So this summer - in solitary again for an ill advised medical experiment on a fellow inmate - The Nurse has been speculating about marketing false teeth as the next hot new fashion item.

Hip hop has gone some way towards kicking things off. The Nurse can envisage a time when ageing hip hop superstars might go the whole hog and replace their bejewelled tombstones with super-blinged falsies.

Party teeth for party occasions: royalty with diamond encrusted teeth. Self assembly Ikea false teeth in cheery primary colours. LED flashing teeth. Glamour teeth. Limited edition teeth. Hello magazine would wet themselves over the latest celebrity teeth. Exclusive designer false teeth boutiques. Porn teeth. Gok Wan making recycled funky teeth.  The opportunities are endless.

But… the worst thing about false teeth is the way your face collapses into a terrifying, lumpy heap when you take them out. 

To remedy this The Nurse proposes that someone invents a self-cleaning, totally comfortable device that sits permanently in your mouth. You just slot your various sets of teeth smoothly into it; your mourning teeth, Bah Mitzvah teeth, Divali teeth, Valentine’s day teeth, wedding teeth, Fatwah teeth and whatnot.

That way you never have to horrify your partner – or yourself - with a face that hangs like a brown paper bag half full of jelly. You always look nice and pert, with cheeks like a baby’s bum. Stunning false teeth plus the extra benefit of a non-invasive partial face lift. Howzat?

What The Nurse needs is the support of some great science brains, a marketing genuis and a celebrity endorser. Then she’s off. 

Imagine. A huge and growing market of people all over the planet who are sick and tired of things going wrong with their teeth. Many of whom would, if it suddenly became de rigeur, jump at the chance of having The Nurse’s groundbreaking false teeth system fitted.

The basic permanent mouth unit would be painless and simple to fit at home. And affordable. We’re talking high fashion false teeth for the masses here. No elitist nonsense.

But once you’ve got your basic kit in place, the sky’s the limit as far as your falsies are concerned. From basic white to rainbow, ruby or billiebobs. Pure gold to plastic disposables. Whatever tickles your fancy.

The Nurse, a generous type despite her murderous tendencies, would like to throw open the false teeth fashion challenge to the world at large. All she asks is a 1% cut – for life - of the profits of every single company that hits the market with her invention.

While it might seem naive to be so free and easy with such a superb business opportunity, The Nurse is confident that nobody will take the piss. She is a very, very scary person indeed.   

And the sooner it happens the better, as far as she’s concerned. Winter’s coming and The Nurse is keen to be in a position to get Vlad the Dentist, in the next cell, to knock these super-sensitive, pointy fuckers out for her before the icy winds start to blow through them.