The Nurse Hits Hove… And Now Betty’s On The Scene

September 15, 2014 | By

A drawing of The Nurse

Watch yourself. The Nurse is back. And now Betty’s on the scene…

Two fucking years. The Nurse has been locked in a cupboard for two fucking years, fed disgusting mush (what’s with the porridge, you loony?) and reduced to peeing in a bucket.

That’s what happens when you get greedy. There she was, happy in her little garden flat in Kemptown. Then the voices started: “wouldn’t it be nice to have a bigger place, a posh place, an actual house, somewhere detached?” Oh, foolish bint… at first, The Nurse dearly wished she’d stuffed cotton wool in her ears and stayed put.

A bigger home meant starting all over again, grooming yet another old lady to the point of no return and stashing her body under the patio before moving in like a Thatcher-hairstyled, twin-setted and pearled, middle aged cuckoo. The Nurse has done it before. Several times. But she met her match in that bitch Betty.

Having spent a few weeks labouring under the illusion she was buttering Betty up, The Nurse was startled to find herself suddenly hoist by her own petard, imprisoned in Betty’s musty, welly-cluttered cupboard under the stairs. For some reason The Nurse can’t quite grasp, it took Betty six months to simmer down and another six to break her sulky silence. Eventually, another stultifying six months later, they became friends. And now they’re in cahoots.

Here they are, rattling around happily in one of those enormous Victorian mansions on a leafy Hove boulevard. Betty, with her pale blue hair, powder blue knitted skirt and cardigan suits, well-turned ankles and still-flirtatious manner, is a perfect foil for the sterner Nurse. Who would suspect such a harmless looking pair of evil doings? Nobody, that’s who. Which is why they’re getting away with murder. And The Nurse is woman enough to admit it: murderous deeds are much more fun with Betty at her side.

It turns out Betty has a cruel streak as wide as the M25. Betty’s husband Gerald is buried under the rose garden, the unwitting cause of many a first prize for uncannily large blooms. The combination of Betty’s sunny lack of conscience and The Nurse’s hideous habits is compelling, and they’re gradually turning their large back garden into a charnel house.

All of which means The Nurse is on fine form, ‘back in the driving seat’, as it were. If you notice an increase in the number of missing people in Brighton & Hove, it might be down to The Nurse and Betty sailing too close to the wind. In the meantime, The Nurse is delighted to announce she’s back, blogging like a fiend and doing her best to keep her nose clean… after a fashion.

 

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