Category: Phenomena

The Nurse proposes a new swear word

December 6, 2011 | By | Add a Comment

The Nurse doesn’t laugh very often. She’d laugh more if life was fucking funny, but it ain’t. Not for her. Not right now.

Five miles short of the ugly north London sprawl, struggling through dense, winter-dark woodland, she’s just fallen arse over tit into a filthy, stinking pond.

There isn’t a swear word in existence that can describe how she feels right now. So she’s made up a new one. Which, unaccountably given the circumstances, just made her giggle… easier said than done with a mouth full of mud.

Next time you need it, why not try ‘FUNT’? What does it mean? Fat cunt, of course.


The Nurse’s top 20 old fashioned expletives

November 30, 2011 | By | Add a Comment


Sadly the C word is common currency these days. It doesn’t have much shock value left.

The Nurse, sneaking along the edge of a muddy field twenty miles north of Cambridge, likes to shock. So she’s amusing herself by creating a top 20 list of old fashioned expletives to liven up the boring bad language landscape a little.

Here goes.

  1. crikey
  2. blimey
  3. gosh
  4. christ on a bike
  5. christ in a barn
  6. hell’s teeth
  7. for heaven’s sake
  8. good god
  9. good grief
  10. my word
  11. good gracious
  12. cripes
  13. yikes
  14. jeepers
  15. cor
  16. crumbs
  17. holy shit
  18. golly
  19. gee whiz
  20. buggeration

She’d love to hear your contributions…

Wikileaks and WYSIWYG government

November 29, 2010 | By | 1 Comment

The Nurse is loving the latest Wikileaks scandal. Yet again they’ve exposed the dirty underbelly of international politics. Loads of spying, insulting other nations, gerrymandering, lying, cheating, obscuring and obfuscating.

She can understand why the US military and politicians are so cross. They’ve been caught out being naughty and nasty, sneaky and malicious, dishonourable and dishonest. Whoops.

The Nurse proposes a utopia where, because there are no secrets, behaving badly isn’t an option. She realises pigs might fly, but if every nation on earth threw in the towel of intrigue and started behaving like grown ups, the world might be a much better place.

Maybe one day the antics of Wikileaks and similar organisations will force real change. We might be able to create a fresh political climate where what you see is what you get. A climate where behaving like paranoid silly buggers won’t be acceptable. Where governments deal with the world’s issues together, openly and honourably, in a spirit of international transparency and co-operation, for the common good.

The Nurse is starting to sound like an old hippy. But you get her drift. Without all this secret squirrel nonsense, governments might give the important stuff the attention it deserves. Things like feeding and educating everyone, keeping the climate in check, providing enough water and looking after the environment. No mean feat at the best of times. Impossible when everyone’s too busy playing power games to get the job done properly.

HD, career politicians and ecstacy… arse or elbow?

September 29, 2010 | By | Add a Comment

The Nurse is amused by several things this week, all of which demonstrate human silliness beautifully. 

From kidding ourselves about what we’re seeing to putting amateurs in important jobs and denying scientific fact, the human race is performing just as expected… dysfunctionally.

Have you bought an HD TV yet? If so, The Nurse recommends you don’t bother. Scientific research has proved that people don’t know their arses from their elbows as far as seeing stuff is concerned. We’re not very discerning.

On being given a completely normal, non-high definition TV and being told it was HD, a large bunch of people swore blind it was much clearer, with a much better picture, than their old TV. Hm. The Nurse thinks it’s well scary how suggestible we are.

Then there’s career politicians. The Nurse would like her country’s leaders  to have some life experience. She’s not keen on career politicians. Surely someone who’s run a company or two, or at least lived in the real world of work, understands voters’ needs better than someone who wouldn’t know the business world from a  hole in the ground.

And last (but never least) there’s good old e, beloved of cheesy quavers across the planet for more than two decades but still a class ‘A’ substance in the eyes of the law. New Scientist recently reported that ecstasy – MDMA – is completely safe in prescribed doses. Which puts it in the same camp as aspirin.

The same goes for weed and acid – LSD – both of which are also being investigated in the USA for their considerable medical and psychological benefits. The Nurse has been banging on about the UK’s stupid drug classification for years. Hopefully this news represents another nail in its already bristling coffin.

PS. If you’re not sure whether you know your arse from your elbow, try this simple test…