Amateur Brain Surgery

It’s a lovely summer’s day. The Nurse can smell the scent of flowers drifting through her tiny, barred cell window. And the skylarks are belting out their tumbling, trilling arias on the moors outside. In a rare mellow mood, The Nurse is feeling uncannily cheerful.

Here’s her top three reasons for digging out her dusty smile and pinning it to her face.

First, the UK Government’s new website http://yourfreedom.hmg.gov.uk/. They’re asking for the public’s ideas about restoring civil liberty, repealing unneccessary laws and cutting business regulation. The Nurse enjoyed mouthing off about legalising recreational drugs and removing innocent people’s DNA from the police database. It felt good to be allowed her say despite – she admits it – being such a horrible human being, banged up and all.    

Second, Simon’s Cat. Simon’s Cat does The Nurse’s rotten soul good. She doesn’t often laugh. Partly because life isn’t fucking funny and partly because it scares people. But as a cat lover The Nurse laughed so hard at Simon’s Cat animations that a little bit of wee came out. 

Back in the days when she roamed free, she had cats. One of her cats used to store little heaps of worms under the rug, in various stages of mummification, presumably for a rainy day. Funny little beast. But The Nurse digresses… click through to Simon’s Cat for a collection of brilliantly observed animations.  

Third, because she’s behaved so impeccably of late The Nurse is out of solitary. Back in the thick of things, amongst her fellow prisoners. And she’s managed to acquire the makings of a mighty fine shiv. A stainless steel ballpoint pen to most people, it represents an exciting opportunity for The Nurse. The time’s ripe for some more experimental amateur brain surgery. The siren call of trepanning is making her head hurt. And the voices are getting louder every day. The Nurse is grinning in anticipation. Happy, happy, happy.