Category: religion

Mad Koran-burning wankers

September 9, 2010 | By | Add a Comment

The Nurse hasn’t been disgusted for ages. The UK’s coalition Government seems to be performing well, we haven’t buckled under the pressure of  budget deficit-related cuts yet and the world – until this week – seemed slightly less insane than usual.

Hmph. That’s what happens when you let your guard down.

After a long (and horribly dull) period of relative calm, The Nurse is – true to her usual form – absolutely livid. Who do these nutter christians in The States think they are, embarking on a literary bloodbath by planning to burn a bunch of Korans? The silly arses.

The Nurse has nothing but contempt for organised religions, christianity in particular. Christians are the worst nut-nuts of the lot… the loonies that just keep on giving. But this gaffe is quite simply spectacular. It’s so devastatingly wrong on so many levels that The Nurse can’t be arsed to count them.

If there was such a bloke as Jesus, The Nurse is sure he’d be just as vexed as she is. He’d probably poke the denizens of the Dove (oh, the irony!) World Outreach Centre hard in the eye with a pointy stick – dipped in doggy poop first – if he had the chance. If The Nurse was him she’d resurrect herself all over again just to give them a good kicking. 

If there was such a thing as gods and deities, the christian god would be sharpening his lightning bolts as we speak,  ready to char grill everyone involved in Gainsville, Florida, to a crisp. Whatever happened to tolerance and love for thy fucking neighbour, you twats? 

The Nurse hopes some nice, friendly terrorists bomb the bejesus out of The Dove World Outreach Centre before they can cause any more chaos. With a bit of luck they’d blow this particularly nasty collection of the so-called faithful into a pretty red mist. Job done.

A promise – come any where near the UK with your lunatic ideas and The Nurse will personally treat each of you to a very special trepanning session… sans anaesthetic. You have been warned.

In the meantime The Nurse hopes against hope they’ll drop their inflammatory Quran-burning plans and decide to become reasonable human beings instead. Fat fucking chance…

Go Pope… you couldn’t have dug a deeper hole!

December 29, 2008 | By | 2 Comments

pope on a rope

The Nurse was delighted to see the Pope shoot himself in the foot with such deadly accuracy last week.

During 2008 gay-ness was scientifically proved to be of genetic rather than environmental origin. Which made his remarks about the need to wage war against homosexuality and lesbianism spectacularly ill-informed as well as silly.

But trying to say that the catholic church’s attitude to gay people is a ‘problem’ on the scale of global warming is breathtakingly offensive and ignorant.

As the howls of derision subside, The  Nurse remains chuffed to bits. Well done Pope. The Nurse would rather see the catholic church make a collective twat of itself via His Popeness than hear them talking any kind of sense. The more outrageous rubbish they come out with, the more people will turn away from a cruel and mean-spirited faith. 

In the absence of anything better to do in celebration, The Nurse has carved ‘Way to go Pope!’ into her cell wall and is about to add an accompanying cartoon to amuse herself…

A very happy new year to all The Nurse’s millions of fans (!)







Popular Churches Provide Parking Lot Ministries

November 24, 2008 | By | 15 Comments

vicar hopes for american congregationAmerica takes religion seriously. Unlike their British counterparts many American churches have been enjoying expanding congregations and, come Sunday, their parking lots fill to capacity.

To help with the inevitable congestion at this busy time of the week many churches now use specialist teams, or parking ministries, to help church goers find a parking space and get to the church on time.

One example is Spring Branch Community Church which attracts 1,500 worshippers and provides a 600 space parking lot. The parking ministry team have a taxing task on their hands as many arrive ‘just in time’ for the church service and need to get parked, into the church and seated before the first hymn.

There can’t be a single UK church that boasts a car park with 600 vehicle capacity. Even many British Airport parking lots are nowhere near this size. And if a church in the UK were to attract a congregation of 1,500 people the vicar would think he had died and gone to heaven.

The Nurse thinks again about religious people

October 28, 2008 | By | 6 Comments

The Nurse knows what she likes, and she likes what she knows.

But that doesn’t mean she’s inflexible.

The Nurse is busy luring the Screws into a false sense of security. Behind that meaty, mild exterior lurks a razor sharp intelligence and a burning desire to escape. But she’s biding her time.

In the meantime she’s allowed occasional visitors. Her friend X has been dropping by for a few years now. Last time, she was shocked to find out that he was a committed Christian. Taken aback, The Nurse blustered her way past X’s casual comment and said nothing.

There’s fuck all to do down here in solitary and The Nurse has a lot of time to think. After a few days it stuck her that she actually respects X’s religious beliefs.

A proper puzzle. The Nurse worried away at it for a few weeks before she realised why. In the end, she found the answer – so simple she’d overlooked it. 

X never tries to convert her. He doesn’t go on and on about his beliefs; he never mentions them. And he doesn’t do that infuriating ‘I forgive you and pity you. You’re misguided and a bit silly. You haven’t thought god through properly’ bit; guaranteed to make her grind her pointy teeth in fury.

Trying on  this unexpected tolerance for size, The Nurse finally understands it isn’t religious people per se who are a pain in the arse and a danger to society. The nutter brigade who try to convert the rest of us – be they Muslim or Christian – are the baddies.

If kept private, religious beliefs do no harm. Insist they follow you into your workplace and social life and they soon start to cause chaos.

The Nurse thinks the faithful should keep their beliefs to themselves like X does. Then everyone might stop fighting.