Selfish Drunken Idiots Drain NHS Coffers

October 29, 2014 | By

Yoda, "Pissed me off you have"


The Nurse might be a complete c**t. She’s happy to admit she isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But while she likes a G&T as much as the next woman, at least she isn’t a selfish drunken bastard.

£21 billion in UK tax payers’ money spent sorting out drunk people

If you were knocked for six by the £21 billion annual price tag put on booze-related issues in Britain, you weren’t the only one. The Nurse was shocked rigid.

Not so long ago a family took their child abroad because the treatment they needed for their cancer-suffering child was too expensive, not readily available over here. Now it turns out Britain’s precious NHS is being forced to shell out billions in taxpayers money to sort out the drunk and disorderly. The fuckers.

New and innovative treatments, some for cancer, are regularly rejected by NICE, often because of the expense. Is it really OK for us to spend billions drying out thousands of drunken assholes every year? Why do so many Brits think it’s socially acceptable to get so fucking stotious they need an ambulance? Probably because, right now, it is socially acceptable. Good grief.

Vandalism, noise, fighting…

Then there’s all the property damage, noise, vandalism, breakages, smashings up and beatings up, lost working hours and damage to the economy. Oh, it makes her so mad she could spit. In fact she just did.

The Nurse, for one, would love to be able to specify what her tax money was spent on. If she could, she’d make damn sure her contribution to the nation’s health, wealth and happiness would not be squandered patching up the slaughtered, the off their tits, the trousered, the vomitous, the out of their trees, the trollied, the fighters and the variously passed out.

She’d leave the silly shits where they fell to sober up on the pavement, which is no more than they deserve. And she’d force them to pay for their own medical treatment instead of draining the NHS’ coffers.

There’s nothing quite as boring as a drunk

Apart from anything else, there’s nothing quite as boring and embarrassing as a drunk. All that mithering on, repeating yourself, forgetting the story you were half way through, beer goggles, puffery, bullshit and staggering around. Revolting.

If The Nurse was in charge she’d ban regular offenders from buying alcohol. Or just hurl them into the stocks and let townspeople pelt them with dog poo and over-ripe veg. That’d be immensely satisfying.

Get pissed in Hove… if you dare

Ooh… the glimmerings of an idea. The Nurse is inspired. The thing is, pissed people are so vulnerable. Vulnerable enough, in fact, to be kidnapped, dragged to The Nurse and Bettys’ place… and used for trepanning practice.

There’s plenty more room in the garden to bury the buggers if it goes wrong, and if it goes right there’s no way they’ll remember a thing about it. Ha. The Nurse and Betty are getting quite excited at the prospect.

If you, perchance, fancy getting absolutely steamed in Hove, it behooves you to be jolly damned careful. You might end up their next victim. Not that it would necessarily stop you engaging in your signature uber-tedious drunken behaviour, but it’s worth a go. At least she has given you fair warning.


(A cordial The Nurse-style thank you, complete with pointy-toothed grin, to Photobucket, for the image)

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