Amateur Brain Surgery

The Nurse is getting on a  bit. She’s long in the tooth. Her intimate bits are heading south fast and she automatically lets out a wheezy old lady groan whenever she sits down.

But is she finding the ageing process terrible? Not particularly. There are loads of advantages to getting older. Here are The Nurse’s top six reasons for relaxing and enjoying the ride.

1. At last, you can finally distinguish your arse from your elbow. Decades of experience mean you finally begin to understand who you are and what you want.

2. You know what you like – and what you don’t like. All those years spent experimenting and practising. Now you know exactly what you like and what you don’t like. You’ve tried and tested the lot. Now you can start enjoying yourself properly.

3. Age is a great disguise. You no longer give a flying stuff what other people think and they don’t notice you anyway. You can sail forth into senility secure in the knowledge that you can do, think, eat, wear or say almost anything you like. Most younger people will dismiss you as an old nutter, or simply fail to acknowledge that you exist. As you age, you become wonderfully invisible.  

4. You’re wise. Ok, so your bum’s gone a funny shape. Your face is roadmapped with craters. Your feet hurt and your elbows are giving you all kinds of gyp. But, in compensation, you’re as wise as an extremely wise person from a very wise place. You might not be pretty. But you sure ain’t stupid.  

5. You keep warm and dry. No more foolish youthful clothing. You’re in cagoul and waterproof trousers territory now. The agonies of high heels and following fashion belong in the past. Next stop? The thermal vest department. Yay!

6. It’s inevitable. Everyone gets older. Trying to stop, slow or deny ageing must be one of mankind’s most pointless endeavours. Why not loosen up, let it lie and spend your remaining time concentrating on achievable, realistic goals instead of trying to stay young?