The Nurse returns, thanks to the Muff Table

February 14, 2013 | By

70s dancers

The Nurse has had a lovely time the last few months, trollying around Brighton off her face on various mind-bending substances, more or less behaving herself. But now she’s bored shitless.

How could she have contemplated giving up her wicked ways? Looking back, it seems insane.

She ran into The Chief Surgeon in Waitrose on Western Road yesterday. The silly old duffer. But The Nurse has a soft spot for him, since he was the man who introduced her to the whole amateur brain surgery thing in the first place. Of course he managed to stay out of gaol, the sod, but she’s prepared to let it lie. Life’s too short to bear grudges.

Seeing him brought back all sorts of lovely memories of her old guerilla trepanning days. But the thing that tipped The Nurse over the edge was the muff table, found in one of Kemptown’s excellent junk emporia a few hours later.

If you’re old enough to recall the 1970s and ever came across a porn magazine in a back alley behind your house (like The Nurse did) you’ll be unable to forget the sheer size and frightening vigour of muffs back then. In the days when the Brazilian wasn’t even a twinkle in a pervy beautician’s eye, ladygardens grew wild and free. Very wild and very free. And the muff table was absolutely covered in them, a triumph in the art of decoupage decorated with what must have been a hundred cut-out photos of minges, all complete with thick outcrops of wayward, wiry 1970s pubes. Blimey.

The Nurse doesn’t give a stuff about interior decor. It’s for wankers. But she desired the muff table with all her horrible black heart. And it was a snip at just seventy quid plus a crafty blow job out the back.

In fact she’s so delighted she couldn’t resist re-opening her dialogue with you lot, simply to show off.

If you’re ever brave enough to invite yourself over for tea you’ll find The Nurse sitting quietly on the sofa with the muff table in pride of place, her eyes glowing strangely in the dim light, surrounded by surgical instruments. She’ll make you very welcome… in her own special way.

Oh, The Nurse is so glad she’s back. This is going to be such fun.

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