Let’s face it, we’ve got a problem. It’s a big problem and it’s getting bigger. Americans are growing and not in a good way.
Over two thirds of Americans are either over weight or obese. Children are growing up believing that obese is normal. The sad result is that these young people are likely to have shorter life expectancies than their parents. They have been conditioned and educated to believe that being fat is normal by parents who have grown fat themselves due to poor diets and laziness.
Some have suggested that poverty is to blame and there is some correlation between socio-economic factors and obesity statistics. But its not all about wealth. Basically, it boils down to readily available, cheap and unhealthy foods combined with sedentary lifestyles and laziness.
People have become lazy. Lazy in their attitudes, thinking, opinions and in what they do. Rather than prepare a healthy, tasty salad for their children it’s far easier to open a bag of chips and fat laden dips. Instead of getting outdoors and doing something active with the whole family it’s far easier to let the children play computer games all day while consuming gallons of fizzy drinks. And it’s far easier for parents to deny their responsibility by telling themselves nonsense excuses like big-bones are the root cause when in fact the reason is simply big, fattening meals and no exercise.
The time has come for some radical new approaches to deal with this growing problem. Children mimic their parents and those parents who are conditioning their offspring to become fat, lazy copies of themselves are guilty of child abuse. Plain and simple. They are costing the nation a fortune and populating the country with miserable, fat kids who will die before their time after suffering from diseases that they should never experience.
Being overweight and obese needs to be massively disincentivised. It should be perfectly acceptable for airlines to set size limits and to charge overweight passengers more. Clothes for outsize people use significantly more material than clothes for normal sized people so they cost more to produce, store and transport so they should be sold for XXXL prices. Purchasing fattening, unhealthy foods and drink should somehow be discouraged in favour of more healthy options. Good parents who set great examples should be recognised and praised for what they are doing. Whereas parents who take the lazy approach should be identified, offered assistance and made aware of the consequences of their poor parenting.
Not so long ago smoking was considered to be cool and sophisticated. Films and TV series’ from the 1950s presented attractive, stylish actors and actresses puffing away on cigarettes, often engulfed in clouds of smoke. But if someone was to light up a cigarette in a restaurant or bar today they would be on the receiving end of some very disapproving stares and most likely be asked to go outside to a designated smoking area. People’s attitudes to smoking have changed radically and this has had an enormously beneficial impact on the nation’s health. The same needs to happen to over-consumption, laziness and obesity. It shouldn’t be considered discriminatory to enforce size restrictions on aircraft, at sports events, fairgrounds or in theatres. It shouldn’t be considered discriminatory to charge overweight and over-sized people more if it costs more to provide them with a product or service. It’s simply practical, common sense.
The Nurse has had a lovely time the last few months, trollying around Brighton off her face on various mind-bending substances, more or less behaving herself. But now she’s bored shitless.
How could she have contemplated giving up her wicked ways? Looking back, it seems insane.
She ran into The Chief Surgeon in Waitrose on Western Road yesterday. The silly old duffer. But The Nurse has a soft spot for him, since he was the man who introduced her to the whole amateur brain surgery thing in the first place. Of course he managed to stay out of gaol, the sod, but she’s prepared to let it lie. Life’s too short to bear grudges.
Seeing him brought back all sorts of lovely memories of her old guerilla trepanning days. But the thing that tipped The Nurse over the edge was the muff table, found in one of Kemptown’s excellent junk emporia a few hours later.
If you’re old enough to recall the 1970s and ever came across a porn magazine in a back alley behind your house (like The Nurse did) you’ll be unable to forget the sheer size and frightening vigour of muffs back then. In the days when the Brazilian wasn’t even a twinkle in a pervy beautician’s eye, ladygardens grew wild and free. Very wild and very free. And the muff table was absolutely covered in them, a triumph in the art of decoupage decorated with what must have been a hundred cut-out photos of minges, all complete with thick outcrops of wayward, wiry 1970s pubes. Blimey.
The Nurse doesn’t give a stuff about interior decor. It’s for wankers. But she desired the muff table with all her horrible black heart. And it was a snip at just seventy quid plus a crafty blow job out the back.
In fact she’s so delighted she couldn’t resist re-opening her dialogue with you lot, simply to show off.
If you’re ever brave enough to invite yourself over for tea you’ll find The Nurse sitting quietly on the sofa with the muff table in pride of place, her eyes glowing strangely in the dim light, surrounded by surgical instruments. She’ll make you very welcome… in her own special way.
Oh, The Nurse is so glad she’s back. This is going to be such fun.
Valentine’s day is just around the corner and every business on the planet, from dog-grooming to dry-cleaning, is marketing some form of promotional offer. And why not? Businesses need to make money and they need to be ever-more creative in order to stand out from the crowd, beat their competitors and attract valuable customers.
Is Valentine’s day a scam? If this question is really asking if Valentine’s day was contrived purely for the purposes of making money then the answer is definitely no. Contrary to popular belief Valentine’s day was not invented by greetings card manufacturers, although they do derive a lot of revenue from the occasion. February the 14th first became St. Valentine’s day in 498 AD when Pope Gelasius made it a church sanctioned holiday. But there is much uncertainty and mystery relating to St. Valentine and why this particular saints day should be associated with love.
Very much like Christmas, Easter and many other religion-related public holidays, commerce has turned St. Valentine’s day into big business. In 2012 it was estimated that Americans would spend almost $15 billion on romantic gifts, nights out, special trips and treats for their loved ones over the Valentines weekend. Valentine’s day can clearly be a massive earner if you have the right product and promotion.
However, it is not compulsory to join in. If you, like me, are as tight as a gnat’s chuff you will find other ways to express your love, fondness or sexual desire for your partner. For example, you might simply do a few things around the home that you normally leave for them to attend too, like stacking the dishwasher, walking the dog or retrieving the children from school. Or why not think of those irritating little habits that we all have and try to curb them, at least for one day.
This is my cheapskate approach to the occasion so I shall be attempting not to fart at the breakfast table and refraining from plucking my nose hairs while watching television in the evening, both of which irritate the hell out of Mrs Surgeon. But things will be back to normal the following day so that she really appreciates the effort that I made.
The Nurse never thought she’d say this, but it’s no good. She admits it… she’s mellowing, despite strenuous efforts to remain evil. FFS.
She’d assumed that freedom from the loony bin would bring opportunities for amateur brain surgery experimentation, perhaps a little light trepanning, maybe a spot of dealing to top up the pension of the poor old dear she knocked off and buried under the patio (and which she now faintly regrets). But no.
Life in Brighton is both frothy and pithy enough to provide The Nurse with a constant, bubbling stream of delight. The ugly, persistent nagging voices that used to drive her murdering, drug-fuelled days have quietened and now all she hears is the murmuring and crashing of the Sussex seas. She still loves getting off her head – some things don’t change – but but otherwise she’s an angel. Relatively speaking.
These days she roams North Street, the North Laine and Hove’s charity shops dressed to the nines, smiling, fizzing with joy for the first time in decades. It’s time to put her trepanning set to one side and sail into middle age disgracefully.
So, it’s goodbye from The Nurse. She’d like to thank you for supporting her through the past five years of imprisonment, ennui, frustration, angst, neglect, violence, hatred and pain. And for your variously epic, ill advised, terrifyingly dim-witted, genius, legendary and extremely silly feedback.
Ladies and gents, The Nurse salutes you. Now fuck off.