Amateur Brain Surgery

Plenty of countries, the UK and US included, have massive stocks of nuclear weapons.

OK, we’re not supposed to be building new ones and there’s a non-proliferation agreement in place. But – she has said it before and she’ll say it again – The Nurse still thinks it’s naive to expect Iraq to abstain from nuclear weapons altogether.

It’d be a different story if very few or no other countries had nuclear bombs. Or if everyone was busy de-commissioning and dismantling them hell for leather, openly for all to see. 

But that isn’t happening. Countries with nuclear weapons are hanging on to them, reluctant to let go. 

The Nurse is neither surprised nor outraged that Iraq seems to be moving towards making a few nuclear bombs of its own. She would too if she were them. Why? To keep things fair and create balance; some bargaining power and security while the rest of the world fannies around getting its non-nuclear act together… which could take decades. 

So, what to do? The Nurse proposes the UK, US and all the other nuclear powers each donate a nice, shiny bomb to Iraq. Then we’ll all be on a level playing field and nuclear disarmament negotiations can start in earnest.

Until then Iraq will doubtless remain justifiably pissed off and pressurised. Feeling pissed off and pressurised makes The Nurse feel provocative. She’s extremely dangerous when cornered. The same probably goes for Iraq. 

Do you believe in Homeopathy? The Nurse isn’t convinced. Why? Because to work, it’d have to defy the laws of physics.  

Even if you wouldn’t know a law of physics if it punched you on the nose, you probably realise that it is 100% impossible to defy them. 

Fact: the only way homeopathy could work is if it managed to defy those laws. It can’t. Nothing can. Conclusion: homeopathy is bollocks.     

That’s not all. High quality clinical trials cannot find any scientific basis whatsoever for homeopathy working. Nobody ever has.

Invented in the 1700s, homeopathy is based on three so-called ‘laws’; the law of similars, the law of infinitesimals and the law of succussion. All three are too silly to merit any detail. And all were disproved a very long time ago. 

But people still persist in believing that homeopathy works… to the tune of £40 million a year in the UK, £4 million of which is spent by the UK’s NHS. 

The Nurse thinks she knows why. It’s the placebo and nocebo effects, both of which are much more powerful than you might realise.

There’s the true story of the man misdiagnosed with terminal cancer who was found, at post mortem, to have  nothing wrong with him… classic nocebo effect. There are many reports of people dying because they believed they’d been cursed – more nocebos.

The placebo effect is well documented too, with countless cases of people given a placebo and recovering. And there’s even a recent study where people who thought they were watching HD TV reported experiencing a dramatically better picture when they were actually only looking at a regular TV. 

The Nurse marvels at how easy it is to fool ourselves! 

A fellow inmate argued the other day that it didn’t matter whether or not homeopathy worked because some people’s belief  is so strong that it works for them. So what’s the harm.

Hm. The Nurse thinks that’s a thin excuse for perpetuating such a scandalous and expensive scam. Surely it’d be better to save a considerable amount of cash, spread the word about placebo / nocebo effects and make it clear to everyone that believing you’re healthy goes a surprisingly long way towards making it so.

In fact scientific experiments have proved that 30 minutes of meditation a day over eight weeks can significantly strengthen your immune system. Who needs quack medicine when you can DIY? 

Until she’s perfected her meditation techniques, The Nurse vows to steer clear of homeopathy charlatans. No doubt they mean well but even they can’t defy the laws of physics. 

It’s been a while since I last posted any details of my ongoing battle with my (previously) expanding waist line and lots has happened.

The first thing to report is that I have managed to shed around 10lbs since I embarked on my new weight-loss campaign back in September 2009. Before the Christmas holidays I’d managed to shed almost a stone (14lb) in weight but the festive period, combined with the recent snowy weather keeping me from getting outdoors for some much needed exercise, have resulted in a small amount of weight gain. But I am still enormously pleased with myself.

Christmas is a tough time when dieting. Too many tempting, tasty but fattening treats combined with cold weather and an inclination to indulge is a near fatal combination. I was lucky that Father Christmas brought me some new DJ equipment which acted as a distraction from the mince pies, Christmas cake and booze.

If you have read my previous posts you’ll know that myself and my DJ friend, Chemical Dave, met a hypnotherapist in a night club last year who offered to give me a free session that she promised would help with my weight loss objectives. Well Dave and I paid a visit to our new Harley Street Hypnotist friend and I have to report that it has worked for me.

I’ve always been skeptical about hypno-therapy and wondered if I would make a good subject. The session I had suggests that I am a good subject for hypnotism and that it works. Our therapist friend said that all she did was reinforce my own drive towards getting more exercise, eating healthily and steering clear of junk food. Since the session I’ve had no trouble resisting most temptations, even over the Christmas holidays.

So if you have been toying with the idea of trying hypnotism in your quest to lose weight and get into shape I’d strongly recommend that you give it a go.

As forecasters predict snow for the UK are we any better prepared than we were back in February?

You may recall that earlier this year we experienced around five weeks of proper winter weather with many people prevented from getting to work, the biggest issue being the hazardous driving conditions.

But the UK always seems unprepared for bad weather. I may be over generalizing because the people who live in the North appear to be far more able to cope than us southern softies. The slightest flurry of snowfall and many schools are closed, trains are cancelled and lots people (including me) stay at home rather than go to work.

So are we any better prepared this time? I doubt it. Gritting trucks soon ran out of material back in February and with this year’s local authority cut backs I doubt if more has been spent to stock pile essential supplies of grit.

So if it does snow this week or anytime this winter, the chances are we will see the same sort of disruption throughout the South East that we saw back in February. So be prepared for more school closures, unusable roads and maybe a few unplanned days off.

*****************************

On a recent trip from Scotland I saved over 50% on Edinburgh Airport Parking by booking in advance.

If The Nurse was freed from prison, she could walk into any chemist and pick up a plethora of health testing kits. 

For a few quid she could examine her cholesterol level, blood pressure and blood sugar, test for allergies and find out whether she’d caught any number of lurid STDs.

For a few quid more she could have her DNA tested to see if she had a genetic propensity for nasties like cancer and heart disease.

At the same time she’d probably be following the trend for poking oneself in various intimate places on a regular basis to check all’s well. If she was a bloke she’d be fondling her own testicles every five minutes just in case they’d mysteriously swollen to gargantuan proportions while her attention was elsewhere. 

OK, it’s good to be aware of your body on a common sense level. But is it a good idea to obsess about it? Do we really need to poke and prod, test and re-test our bodies, treating them like unexploded bombs?

The Nurse thinks it’s all a bit intense and panicky. Surely it can’t be good for you to expect your poor body to explode the second you take your eye off the ball?

Instead of pestering it with endless enquiries and questions, she’s leaving her body in peace to get on with being healthy.

The Nurse is delighted to discover that, from a genetic perspective, she’s 50% black. 

The Nurse has a little Brother. He’s had his DNA analysed by Oxford Ancestors to find out the family’s genetic origins. 

The test establishes where your great, great, great, great (etc) granny and grandad originated. It traces your rellies back through the millennia, as far back as they can go in an unbroken line. Right back to your original maternal and paternal ancestors.

The results? The Nurse’s paternal origin lies with a clan who lived in the Middle East about 50,000 years ago. Later they migrated back to Africa where most of her genetic descendants are found today. She only shares 2% of her paternal DNA with the UK population but she has 98% in common with Western Africans.

On the maternal side her great, great, great (etc) granny belonged to a clan who lived in Portugal 17,000 years ago. Over the millennia they moved up through Spain and France to Britain and then further northwards to Norway, Finland and Arctic Russia where The Nurse’s genetic clansmen live today.

The Nurse is enjoying the irony. She has dark red hair and freckles. Her brother has bright red hair and freckles. But they are both, fundamentally, 50% black. Black ‘n’ proud.

Very cool. And a big one in the eye for Nick Griffin and co. Because The Nurse is feeling particularly provocative today she’s challenging Nick Griffin and his BNP membership to take genetic tests and establish their ancestry. As far as we know, Nick Griffin might be half black too.

Ha! The Nurse finds that most amusing. She crouches, rocking, on her hard iron bed, grinning in the half light… 

The Nurse is getting on a  bit. She’s long in the tooth. Her intimate bits are heading south fast and she automatically lets out a wheezy old lady groan whenever she sits down.

But is she finding the ageing process terrible? Not particularly. There are loads of advantages to getting older. Here are The Nurse’s top six reasons for relaxing and enjoying the ride.

1. At last, you can finally distinguish your arse from your elbow. Decades of experience mean you finally begin to understand who you are and what you want.

2. You know what you like – and what you don’t like. All those years spent experimenting and practising. Now you know exactly what you like and what you don’t like. You’ve tried and tested the lot. Now you can start enjoying yourself properly.

3. Age is a great disguise. You no longer give a flying stuff what other people think and they don’t notice you anyway. You can sail forth into senility secure in the knowledge that you can do, think, eat, wear or say almost anything you like. Most younger people will dismiss you as an old nutter, or simply fail to acknowledge that you exist. As you age, you become wonderfully invisible.  

4. You’re wise. Ok, so your bum’s gone a funny shape. Your face is roadmapped with craters. Your feet hurt and your elbows are giving you all kinds of gyp. But, in compensation, you’re as wise as an extremely wise person from a very wise place. You might not be pretty. But you sure ain’t stupid.  

5. You keep warm and dry. No more foolish youthful clothing. You’re in cagoul and waterproof trousers territory now. The agonies of high heels and following fashion belong in the past. Next stop? The thermal vest department. Yay!

6. It’s inevitable. Everyone gets older. Trying to stop, slow or deny ageing must be one of mankind’s most pointless endeavours. Why not loosen up, let it lie and spend your remaining time concentrating on achievable, realistic goals instead of trying to stay young? 

The Nurse despises foxhunting.

While she is deeply suspicious of banning things - censorship being the thin edge of a very nasty wedge - cruelty is never acceptable.

So she was interested to see, during a recent edition of the BBC’s Country File, a hunt spokesman confirm that if the Conservative Party won the next election they’d seek to reverse the foxhunting ban. 

Outraged, The Nurse emailed her local Conservative council member. Here’s what she wrote:

“Recently on Radio 4, a politician from each party joined a programme where they were asked to give straight ‘yes’ and ‘no’ answers to questions, with no dissembling. I found this tremendously refreshing because politicians never answer straight questions. They go straight into spin mode, which is the single biggest reason why I am so reluctant to trust them. 

I would like you to answer a question ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on behalf of the Conservative party.

On TV’s Country File programme a fox hunter made it clear that the Conservatives would re-instate foxhunting, repealing the current law, if they were elected.  My question is: If the conservatives win the next election, will they bring back foxhunting? Please answer yes or no. 

It’s that simple. I look forward to your answer with great interest.”

The Nurse emailed her local Conservative council member on 18th November. But so far she hasn’t even had the courtesy of an acknowledgement. Never mind a response. Which doesn’t exactly fill her with confidence about the toffee nosed, poncey bastards.

Her next step? The Nurse will be writing to someone higher up the Conservative food chain and see if they’ll deign to answer. 

The more pressure the better. The Nurse is appealing for like-minded folk to ask the same question of their local Conservative Party candidate or council member. Let’s pin the wriggly buggers down and get a straight answer out of them. 

UPDATE 30 Nov: The Nurse has received a ‘no’ from both Conservatives and has filed their replies in case she needs them later!

The Nurse has been watching a lot of telly recently. And she’s been amazed by the sheer choice of products available for consumers to choose from.

She’s wondering whether there’s a connection between all this choice and climate change?

Here are two off the cuff examples. Do we really need:

• hundreds of different kinds of shampoos, conditioners and hair products?
• countless different car marques?

Viewed objectively, all this choice seems pointless. But is it also immoral, damaging to our environment?

Back in the olden days The Nurse remembers having a choice of just a few shampoo brands. After all, despite what manufacturers claim, shampoo is just shampoo. However much they fiddle with the formula, it does the same job. The ’science bit’ is all bollocks. 

The same goes for cars.

A car’s job is to get you from a to b. As such you either need a big one, a medium one or a small one. In a sensible world that’d be your choice. 

As it is, the core function of cars is the last thing manufacturers use to sell their vehicles. Instead they focus on empty, glib things like ego, taste, wealth, status, lifestyle and - whether you’re male or female - how big you want people to think your dick is. Figuratively speaking.

The Nurse wonders how far and how fast  our collective carbon footprint would drop if there was simply less choice across a whole load of core product sectors.   

The only problem is that having less stuff means fewer people are employed making stuff.  But surely we can’t carry on consuming all this rubbish like there’s no tomorrow?

The Nurse dreams of a simpler world where consumer priorities make sense in the context of the global climate issues we all face.

Boring? Probably. But she’d rather be bored on the moral high ground than have her ego stroked while the planet fries.  

The Nurse thinks it is a good idea to give Nick Griffin and his spiritually bereft BNP henchmen the oxygen of publicity at every opportunity.

Why? Because every time the man opens his nasty mouth he makes himself look even more of a wanker.  

We can’t go round banning schools of thought, theories, attitudes or political parties. That makes us just as fascist as Nick Griffin and co. If not more so. Move in that direction and we’ll be burning books before you know it… if you were outside the BBC protesting last night, stick that up your silly politically correct arse and swivel on it.   

Having heard clips of Nick Griffin’s contribution to Question Time this morning on Radio 4, The Nurse is celebrating (any excuse). As she’d expected Griffin appears to have shot himself in the foot quite spectacularly, a number of times. Wonderful stuff. Keep it up, Nick.

If we prevent the likes of the BNP from expressing themselves openly and legally they’ll only go underground. Then they’d benefit significantly from the mystery and dubious glamour than underground stuff tends to engender, especially in the rebellious, young and stupid.   

On the other hand give them enough rope, let them loose on the media and the arseholes’ll soon hang themselves all on their own. 

The BNP’s arguments don’t stand up to intelligent scrutiny. Hate and intolerance shine through like a beacon whenever they’re given the opportunity to expound their ugly theories. 

Last night Griffin exposed himself as an ignorant, cruel buffoon. When Questions Time airs, millions of people will be able to see and hear him make a complete arse of himself and his party.  Brilliant job. Well done BBC.