Amateur Brain Surgery

Some months ago now, back when it was still cold, wet and wintery, we started to see a timid black and white cat, wearing a red collar, hanging around in our garden. We’d occasionally see her through the cat-flap, but she would bolt as soon as we tried to approach. She now trusts us enough to come into our house for food and allows us to groom her matted coat.

Since she has a collar we assumed that she wasn’t a stray, just a typical cat looking for a free meal. As the weather has steadily improved we’ve been spending more time in the garden managing to build up some trust with this lovely little cat who we had simply named ‘garden cat’. It quickly became clear that she was not being fed at all. Her boney back, hollow sides and clearly discernible ribs were enough evidence for us to conclude that nobody was feeding this poor creature, who had been spending the coldest months of winter living outdoors.

For the past couple of weeks she has been getting through a complete can of cat food every day, along with a little dried food for variety. She will now come into our house but has not yet established a pecking order with our two overfed house cats who are a little put out by the interloper. She has a delightful nature, very friendly and affectionate which suggests she has once lived in a home where she was well looked after. We are planning to continue to feed and gently groom her coat until she trusts us enough to take her to the vets to find out if she has been micro-chipped. Her new name is ‘Betty’, chosen after we’d seen a street performer by the name of Betty Brawn performing in this year’s Brighton festival.

The number of unwanted pets in the UK has seen a significant increase in recent years. People get pets of all descriptions without really thinking about the responsibilities and costs of looking after them. Unfortunately many will end up thoughtlessly dumped without any regard for the animal’s well being. Cats are top of the unwanted pets league table with over 3000 rescued by the RSPCA last year. The new animal welfare act makes pet owners legally obliged to care for their pets properly, perhaps this will help to hammer home the message that pet ownership is a privilege and a responsibility.

It’s official. All at braindead mansions have unanimously voted Aberdeen Angus the best beef in the world.

Beef derived from this noble breed of cattle is, in our humble opinions, of far higher quality than beef derived from other breeds. Our extensive beef research has been painstakingly carried out over a number of years. We’ve been test-cooking and eating beef steaks from a variety of breeds and international sources in our quest for the best of the best and our conclusion is that Aberdeen Angus beef is consistently the tastiest beef available today. It’s no surprise that Black Angus cattle are the most popular beef cattle in the United States.

One of our favourite Aberdeen Angus beef steak recipes uses a shot of Scotch whisky for a slightly different flavour:

Ingredients (serves two):

2 x 6oz to 8oz Aberdeen Angus fillet steaks
About 2oz of butter
1 x medium onion, chopped
Approximately ¼ pint of beef stock (Oxo)
Salt
Black pepper
Around 4 tablespoons of double cream
1 x wee dram of Scotch whisky

Here’s how to cook your Aberdeen Angus steaks:

1. Melt the butter and then blanche the chopped onions.
2. Add the steaks and cook each side until they are cooked as desired.
3. Remove the steaks to a warmed plate and set aside.
4. Add the stock and whisky to the pan and cook until thick.
5. Finally, stir in the double cream, add the seasoning and heat gently.

Serve with mashed or pan fried potatoes, broccoli or asparagus.

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Website copywriting isn’t as easy as it looks!

The Nurse has always believed that she can turn her formidably capable hand to almost anything. After all, she taught herself trepanning from scratch. Painstaking practice, as well as giving herself permission to make mistakes in the interest of medical advancement, have been instrumental in her success as an amateur brain surgeon. 

Shame she got caught, really. All that good work down the drain. And there are very few surgical opportunities here in Solitary. They keep too good an eye on her.

But all’s not lost. She has secreted a laptop about her person (don’t even ask) and, thanks to the marvels of t’internet, The Nurse can set up small businesses easily, quickly and cheaply all by herself. As a result of her furtive endeavours a flotilla of little DIY brain surgery equipment and services websites have been springing up, fresh and keen, from her cell.

But what’s going on? She isn’t selling a thing and she’s had no enquiries!

Posting a query on her favourite forum, The Nurse was astonished to find that the reason nobody was buying from her was that nobody understood what she was selling and why they should buy it.

As far as she was concerned she was communicating her message perfectly. She’d used her considerable knowledge and technical expertise and had gone on, at enormous length, about her products’ features. Packed with juicy jargon. Lots of nitty gritty stuff. And a great, long, satisfying biographical ‘about The Nurse’ page. Lovely. 

Or was it?  

On second thoughts she supposed it did go on a bit.  And it wasn’t clear. In fact, looked at objectively with her gimlet eye, her website content was total bollocks.

If nothing else, The Nurse is big and ugly enough to admit when she’s made a booboo.  Acknowledging when you’re out of your depth is a strength. While she can trepan with the best of ‘em, drilling holes in unsuspecting people’s skulls willy nilly with neither fear nor hestitation, a copywriter and editor she isn’t.

A thorough search on Google for a good freelancer using ’copywriting brighton’ and ‘copywriter brighton’ delivered The Nurse straight to a suitable freelance copywriter and editor. One that wasn’t squeamish… after all, DIY guerilla trepanning ain’t for the faint hearted. 

A week or so later, the job’s done. The Nurse’s three websites,  edited to perfection, are now pulling in enquiries and sales from fellow amateur brain surgeons and kitchen implement trepanning fans the world over. She highly recommends both the skills and gore-tolerance levels of Kate Naylor, Brighton based freelance copywriter and editor. The Nurse found her at this copywriting website.           

The lesson: You’d never trepan a victim without at least a couple of trial runs, even if you just use a few commonly-available household objects as instruments. The same goes for copywriting. Unless you’re a copywriter, don’t write copy!

People in the UK are getting fatter. There can’t be many in the UK who have not seen the increasing number of enormously overweight children, waddling alongside their equally obese parents. The number of clinically obese children in the UK is increasing at such a rate that the government has taken steps to halt the year on year increase by the year 2010. I wish them luck but I think that radical measures are called for.

Is it child abuse to feed a child until he or she is obese? Of course it is. Being a parent is a responsibility which many do not appear to have fully grasped. Perhaps imprisoning a few for setting their kids on a path towards heart disease, type 2 diabetes, premature death and a massive burden on the health service would make it more clear.

Example Setting
The problem is not the children, it is the fat, lazy parents. If the most significant person in a child’s life cannot display adequate self-control, if they persist in stuffing their fat faces with nothing but unhealthy food, slobbing out on the settee and never taking any exercise it’s not surprising that their offspring will follow their disgraceful example.

It is these examples set by parents that are the most influential in a child’s development. It’s no good if a parent tells a child that they mustn’t eat too much tempting but unhealthy food and then giving in to that temptation themselves.

Managing Temptation
We are all subject to the temptation presented by fast food, cakes, crisps and ice cream. Yet some manage to resist these temptations. It’s a parent’s responsibility to demonstrate self-control thereby encouraging their children to do the same. Children need to be taught that establishing good eating habits will help them to lead healthy, happy and complete lives, and parents who are not capable of doing this shouldn’t be parents.

Are you a child abuser?

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Overcrowding is a topic that I have commented on in the past and the problem is certainly not going away. One aspect of the overcrowding problem that I feel is sadly neglected is vehicle ownership.

When I was a lad there was only one house in our road that actually had a car. My family obtained their first car when I was aged about 8 years old. How times have changed. My next door neighbours own no less than four vehicles. Two cars and two motor-cycles. They also have two children who are not yet old enough to drive, but when they are I expect each of them will want a car or motorbike.

This situation is not unusual. With young people continuing to live with their parents well into their twenties it is not uncommon for the occupants of a single household to have four or more vehicles parked outside. This issue is partly responsible for the pavement and verge parking problems that continue to blight our shared environments.

Considering the growing concern for the environment and the dwindling worldwide fuel resources it seems completely mad that multiple vehicle ownership is not being adequately disincentivised.

We think that anyone who owns more than one vehicle should be required to pay double the road tax on the second, triple the road tax on the third etc. We also think that houses and flats should have a defined number of vehicles that the occupants of that property can own and park outside or in their drives. If the owners were to rent or purchase additional garage space then they would be allowed to have more vehicles, paying the appropriate road tax charges of course.

Vehicle ownership is not a god-given right, which many believe, but a privelige. Any political party attempting to introduce radical measures like these will be bound to lose votes but steps must be taken to alleviate the overcrowding on our roads. Profligate vehicle ownership is a selfish, wasteful use of resources that should not be tolerated.

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 Yet another case where the culprits should simply be put to death. The two young idiots who murdered Sophie Lancaster by kicking and stamping her to death just because she was dressed as a Goth have been given long prison sentences, but why should we pay to keep these murdering scum alive?

Ryan Herbert, 16, of Rossendale Crescent, Bacup, received a 16-year minimum term at Preston Crown Court and his accomplice Brendan Harris, 15, of Spring Terrace, Bacup, Lancashire, who was convicted after a trial last month, was given a minimum of 18 years.

These sentences can in no way compensate for what they have done. There is really no room in this over crowded country for anti-social hoodlums like these. As I have said before, in cases like these the culprits should simply be executed. End of story.

After having read a recent report of a ghostly orb photographed near Edinburgh airport we have been interested to hear of other paranormal activity in the vicinity of the popular airport.

Ian, a transfer bus driver who works for Edinburgh airport car parks, has reported several sightings of ghostly apparitions around the airport. Now you might be forgiven for thinking that, maybe, he’d been enjoying a wee dram or three. But Ian is a responsible bus driver who is very down to earth, honest and never drinks while at work.

He has reported having seen what appears to be a woman, dressed in white, with a shawl covering her head. He has seen this ghostly apparition on several occasions, after dark, close to Ingliston. He reports that the apparition appears to float above the ground, staying quite static before fading to nothing. Ian says that seeing the ghost is in no way frightening. He reports that he was once able to watch as the apparition appeared to become increasingly distinct before fading to nothing over a period of about 20 seconds.

Ian also reports having seen another ghostly apparition in another area around Edinburgh airport close to the airport car parks off Almond road. In this case the apparition was clearly that of a pilot from the first world war.

Given the history of the airport as an air force training base, established in 1915, this comes as no surprise. Ian says that he has only seen this apparition on one occasion but his sighting is backed up by workmates in that area of the airport who say that they regularly encounter the ghost of an airman who they think is responsible for ‘moving’ items around their office. They also report hearing the ghostly sound of distant aircraft engine noise, not caused by the modern aircraft that currently use the airport.

There have been a number of ghostly apparitions both seen and felt at Glasgow international airport. One of the most recent was on the bank of White Cart Water which runs close to one of Glasgow airport’s car parks, under the M8. Visitors to the long stay car park report seeing what appeared to be a boy sat on the bank, staring across towards the industrial complex on the opposite bank. Some say that this is the spirit of a young boy who drowned in the water way.

Whilst these reports must be treated with some skepticism, there is no doubt that Scotland is rich with paranormal activity. Each year there are many reports of inexplicable sightings, ghostly apparitions, orbs and even a monster that lives in a lake. I am looking forward to my next visit when I’ll be tracking down some more ghost reports from around the Scottish highlands.

It has long been believed that Prestwick Airport is the only place in the British Isles visited by the late, great Elvis. But it has recently been revealed that he visited Tommy Steele in London.

Prestwick airport have photographic evidence of Elvis visiting them on 3rd March 1960, during his time in the U.S. army. But there doesn’t appear to be any photographic evidence of his rumored and secret visit to Tommy Steele in London.

The revelations were made by theatre producer Bill Kenright on the Radio 2 show Tracks of My Tears, presented by Ken Bruce. He explained that Elvis was a fan of Tommy Steele and he flew into London for a secret visit during which Tommy Steele showed Elvis the sights.

Tommy Steele, now 71, confirmed the story to a newspaper telling them that he had promised to keep it quiet.

I’ve just signed up to Twitter under the username ‘tonyboney‘ so if you fancy signing up, saying hi and following me please do!

I have quite a bit of spare time, in between fixing various pieces of lab equipment trashed by students, so I’ve played with Facebook, Digg, StumbleUpon and a variety of other social networking and bookmarking facilities.

I quickly tired of being poked, deluged with peculiar videos and having sheep thrown at me on Facebook so I now only use it to stay in touch with a few geographically distant friends. I still look at digg when I’m bored, mainly seeking weird and unusual news. The kind of stories that make me feel so ultra-normal or fortunate.

Twitter seems to be a little different. People enter short answers to the question ‘What are you doing?’ In my case the most common answer to that question would be ‘naff all’. Once signed up you can elect to ‘follow’ existing tweeters (twitterers? twits?). This means that you monitor their constant answers to this simple queston. I’m currently following a whole bunch of techie internet geeks whose work and blogs I’ve read at some time. Its interesting to see how similar and mundane people’s daily routines and activities really are.

But watch out for the Twitter Gestapo. They’ll blacklist and ban you very quickly if they even get a hint of spam. I foolishly followed the advice of someone who said that the thing to do is sign-up and follow as many people as possible, which I did. I sent a couple of updates regarding websites that I was looking at and immediately met with a slap and label as a spammer! Apparently it has something to do with the ratio of people following me to the people I am following. It’s not my fault that all my old chums are now dead or incapable of using a computer!

So I deleted that account and set up this new, spam free one. So why not give twitter a go yourself and make certain you follow me (doctorbone). You will get to hear about all sorts of interesting stuff like what I had for breakfast, what I’m wearing and maybe even what the weather is like. How can you resist?

That old saying that ‘The Sqeaky Wheel Always Gets the Oil’ certainly appears to be true. Brighton and Hove community police have responded to the verge-parking issues that I reported recently and told the culprits to cease or face prosecution!

I was really surprised that anything was actually done after receiving a somewhat terse and less than pleasant message from the council informing me that it was nothing to do with them. The local Police Neighbourhood Specialist Team have addressed the issue and informed many regular offenders in my area that if they persist in parking on pavements and verges they will be prosecuted.

This comes not a moment too soon as someone not too far from where I live had started to park their works van totally on the pavement outside their house forcing pedestrians, and those with push-chairs and wheel chairs, to walk in the road. This was causing massive incovenience and even danger to many of their immediate neighbours, but they have now been forced to stop by the police. Hooray.

So its a big ‘Well Done’ to the Brighton and Hove Police Neighbourhood Specialist Team. The moral of this story is clearly: Don’t sit back and let people damage your environment with selfish lack of consideration. Be a squeaky wheel and complain. If you don’t get a response, complain again and get others to do the same!